Down For the Count

My poor family has been hit hard with the cold and/or flu. First victim was baby Isaac with a persistent runny nose and cough. He also suffered through an ear infection in both ears. Poor kid. Then Alicia was the next victim with a sore throat and nasty cough, which is still lingering. I was next in line with a painful sore throat and runny nose. My doc postponed today's chemo session to next week since I have to be in good health to receive the chemo medicine. And then poor Eugene got the worst of it. Fever, cold sweat, little nausea, and congestion. Haven't seen him this sick since I had my myomectomy in 2004. Praying for God's mercy and protection over our family. 

Happy Birthday Eugene! 2-5-2014

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband, Eugene. Everyday I give thanks to God for blessing me with such a generous and thoughtful man. He is the quintessential "behind-the-scenes" guy and never seeks attention nor adulation. Since my sickness he has assumed both parenting roles and does it without complaint. I am utterly in awe of his selflessness and willingness to serve our family this way. I love him so much and he is my inspiration to keep fighting. Here's to many more birthdays we can celebrate together!

Birthday bundt cake

Birthday lemon yogurt cake (first cake I've baked since Ikey was born)

It's 5:00 in the morning...

My sweet baby boy decided to give out a loud cry at 4:00 this morning. I wanted him to cry it out but he wouldn't let up. As I went in to pick him up from his pack and play (he's not in a crib for reasons I will explain later) I noticed his clothes were soaked. Poor baby was wet and soiled from his diaper leaking.  I felt so bad for Ikey and gave him a bottle to soothe him while I changed him out of his wet clothes. I used to be so miserable when I was sleep training Ikey. No one likes to being sleep deprived. But these days, I sneak into his room while he's sleeping and have to stop myself from wanting to hold him. He's getting so big now and in no time I will not be able to hold him.

I've been thinking about death a lot, especially since my time on this earth has been dramatically shortened due to my sickness. It pains me to no end that my children may possibly grow up without a mother but I have to trust that God will continue to take care of them in my absence. Oftentimes I joke about my inevitable demise with friends and I get rebuked for thinking so morbidly about my life. Perhaps I'm trying to be realistic and slowly preparing myself for the inevitable. It's a very difficult place to be in. I can deal with the side effects and symptoms that come with this disease but the notion of dying is a hard pill to swallow. I know God has incredible plans for me and I don't want to insult him by throwing in the towel. I have to remain strong and hopeful. If you're reading this, I ask if you could pray for me and that I will not succumb to giving up. Fighting off depression is a daily battle for me and it is imperative that I lean on God for support and strength to get through each day. With God by my side, whom or what can I fear? 

My friend, Lenie

My beautiful friend, Lenie Ramos Trent, stayed with us last weekend. Purpose of her visit was to take care of me and my children while Eugene was away for the weekend. She was incredibly generous with her time and left her family behind to be with me and the kids. Our time together was so precious and I am so thankful our friendship has stood the test of time and distance.

Lenie and I met the Fall of '92 during Sorority Rush. We bonded instantly during that "grueling" week of trying to figure out which house to choose. Inevitably, we went our separate ways as she pledged Kappa Delta and I pledged Chi Omega. Even though we were in different sororities, we remained extremely close and spent so much time together. Oh, the wild and crazy things we did together. So many fraternity parties, fraternity formals, spring break excursions to Lake Havasu, ski trips to Mammoth, and other crazy adventures, much of which I cannot disclose for fear my girls may read this one day and would be shocked by some of my absurd shenanigans. But, we were young and stupid, for the most part, and thought we were so invincible.

Sigma Phi Epsilon Spring formal 94 

So young and not so innocent. Haha!

Lenie by my side 
July 20, 2002

Our goofball offspring

Me and Lenie today

God was certainly watching over me during those "rebellious" years and I thank Him for his unending grace upon me. I look back at my younger years with some embarrassment but without any regret. My life experiences, good and bad, made me who I am today. I was and still am a child of God. 

God is Faithful to All His Promises

I was just reading an email message from Maddy's Sunday School teacher. Every week, parents receive a summary of the past Sunday's bible lesson. Last Sunday,  Maddy and her classmates learned that God will fight for you and acts on behalf of those who wait for Him. Every step of the way, God will fight for you (me!) and He will cast away all fears and doubt.  What a fantastic reminder to me when fear and anxiety fill my thoughts. God is in control and is faithful to all His promises. Oh, how quickly I forget and attempt to deal with my fears on my own. Inevitably, I fail because I neglect to call upon The Lord. I need or rather desire to trust in God in every aspect of my life. He has been so merciful these past months and I'm so grateful for His goodness and faithfulness. My body is responding favorably to the chemo drugs and the latest CT scan shows that my cancer lesions have either disappeared (lungs) or shrunk (bones an liver). Now, it's just a matter of maintenance and continued chemo treatments to prolong my life. Praise God! I know that there's always the possibility that my body could stop responding to chemo. I'm aware of that harsh reality but in the meantime I will do my part to maintain a healthy lifestyle and optimistic outlook. How can I possibly fail with God by my side.

Maddy's memory verse for this week: So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what
can man do to me? Hebrews 13:6

Here's a recap on the fun things I did this week:

Celebrated Lauren's birthday with friends. Had a very yummy ramen dinner. 

Enjoyed watching Alicia play tennis. Seen here with her tennis coach. 

Keeping up with an active 8-month old. 

Watched our dear Caleb perform in the Children's Theater production of 101 Dalmations. 

I leave you with this...

I have a great need for Christ; I have a great Christ for my need. - Charles H. Spurgeon

Congratulations Seattle Seahawks

I won't be a popular person with the Niners' fans but I thought I'd do a little name-dropping here. I'm not even a fan of the Seahawks, can't stand football and didn't even know there was a game yesterday. But, I wanted to give a "shout-out" to my main man Marshawn Lynch for his team's victory over the SF 49ers. Not too many happy campers in my neck of the woods. Oh, well. It's just a game, really. :)

Back in 2012 with Marshawn at my gym; Didn't even know who he was but husband made me chase him down and take a picture with him. According to husband, Mr. Lynch is one of the best running backs in the NFL. Whatever that means. Nice guy, though. He grew up in nearby Oakland and always gives back to his community and the school he attended. 

Where Have I Been Lately?

Boy  oh boy oh boy! Haven't paid a visit to my blog in a super LONG time. Where have I been lately? Where do I even begin? I should probably start with the best news…Isaac William Pak! Yep, we've got ourselves a beautiful baby boy and what a miracle he's been to us from the start. Let's rewind to June 2012 when I called my OB/GYN requesting an appointment to get started on some birth control. My OB/GYN was out on vacation so I was directed to the doc on call. She was reading up on my medical history and felt it may not be necessary to be on birth control since I may have become infertile from past chemo treatments. She ordered a blood test to check my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) level to determine how fertile (or infertile) I was. Results showed that my level of 27 was extremely high and meant that it would be "highly unlikely to ever get pregnant." Her words exactly. I trusted her judgement and decided to forgo birth control.

Fast forward 4 months, a positive pregnancy test and a stunned parent-to-be. Eugene and I nearly fainted at the shock and awe of the news. Ok, so after the shock wore off, we were pretty darn excited to be expecting a boy. It was a wonderful pregnancy, void of any sickness. Then the 3rd trimester hit and I was miserable. I was stricken with sharp debilitating pain in my lower back which sent me to bed rest most of the time. Then in April 2013, I experienced enormous pain in my left side and went straight to the ER. The CT scan showed I was experiencing a pulmonary embolism or a blood clot but the worst news was that my cancer had returned. The cancer had metastasized to my bones, liver and lungs. I was numb with fear. Not only did I have to deal with this horrid disease again, but now I had a living baby inside me surrounded by cancer lesions.

After dealing with a series of tests and lots of hospital stays, Isaac was born 34 weeks on May 21, 2013.  My good ole placenta protected Isaac from the cancer lesions. Praise God! Oh, and I nearly died on the operating table. During the delivery, I had lost so much blood and the docs had to give me a blood transfusion which ultimately led to me having a hematoma (blood collection in my belly) which I'm still dealing with today. After Isaac's birth, I was placed in ICU to for monitoring and there were touch-and-go moments since my blood levels were at a dangerous level and I almost had to go in for another surgery to stop the active bleeding. Fortunately, doctors were able to avoid surgery and decided to conduct an embolization to stop the bleeding which has helped thus far. Once I was stabilized, I began my first of many chemo treatments during my stay at the hospital.

So, here I am in the new year. Having to endure another bout of cancer. It is much more challenging this go around then last time. In addition to the "not fun" side effects from chemo,  I now have chronic back pain due to a compression fracture in my lower vertebrae, mild pain in my belly due to the hematoma and an infant child to care for. But through it all, God has helped me find the joy in my sufferings. He has been so faithful and merciful throughout my  journey and I am assured that He will continue to care for me in the long days ahead.

I am in awe of God's glory and his hand in all of this. He is the reason I can make it through each day with a smile on my face, in spite of the pain and nausea I have to endure. Just seeing my children everyday gives me so much reason to live. And my darling husband has been my rock and strength. I can't even begin to tell you how much he's done to support me and the kids. A true man of God. I love him so.

Thanks for letting me share my long-winded story. :)

My precious kids: Maddy-7, Alicia-6, and Isaac-7 months

Isaac just a week ago. Loves to sit in his Stokke.

Maddy and Alicia chillin' in their new minivan.